Should I stop drinking too?

That's entirely your decision, and it depends on your relationship dynamics. Some partners find it easier and more supportive to cut back or stop alongside their partner. Others maintain their own habits while being mindful about when and where they drink. The key question to ask her is: 'Would it help if I didn't drink around you?' And then respect whatever she says. If she says it's fine, believe her — but also pay attention to whether that changes over time.

What if I think she has a serious problem?

If you're seeing signs of physical dependence — shaking hands, needing a drink to feel normal, drinking in the morning, or significant personality changes — that's worth addressing directly and gently. A good starting point: 'I love you and I've noticed some things that worry me. Can we talk about it?' If she's resistant, you can contact SAMHSA's National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) for free, confidential guidance. But don't try to diagnose her. Express concern from a place of love, not judgment.

How long should I wait to see changes?

Meaningful changes often appear within the first 2-4 weeks — better sleep, improved mood, more energy. But the timeline varies enormously. Some people notice differences in days; for others it's gradual over months. The most important thing is to notice and acknowledge the positive changes you see, however small. And remember: setbacks are part of the process, not proof of failure.

She says she wants to cut back but keeps drinking. What do I do?

Changing a deeply ingrained habit is genuinely hard, especially one that's woven into social rituals and stress management. If she keeps saying she wants to change but isn't able to on her own, she might benefit from additional support — an app like Reframe , a book that resonates , a therapist, or a program. You can say: 'I can see you want this. What would make it easier? How can I help?' But ultimately, she has to choose the path. Your role is to keep the door open and the judgment out.

Is this my fault? Did I contribute to her drinking?

Drinking patterns are complex and influenced by neuroscience, cultural norms, stress, habits, and genetics — not by one person's actions. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it single-handedly. What you can do is create an environment that makes change easier: reduce stress where you can, share the load at home, be a safe person to talk to, and show up with curiosity instead of criticism.

What resources exist for partners specifically?

Al-Anon and SMART Recovery Family & Friends both offer support groups specifically for people who care about someone who drinks. These can be incredibly helpful for processing your own feelings and learning evidence-based strategies. Many therapists also specialize in supporting family members. You don't have to navigate this alone either.

For Partners: How to Support a Mom Who's Cutting Back

If someone you love is rethinking her relationship with alcohol, the single most helpful thing you can do is this: don't make it about you. That sounds simple. It's not. But everything that follows starts there.

When a mom decides to cut back on drinking — or stop entirely — it shifts the dynamics of a household in ways that aren't always obvious. Social plans change. Evening routines change. The unspoken emotional contract around "we both need this glass of wine" changes. It can feel like a judgment on you, even when it isn't.

It isn't. She's doing something hard and brave, and she needs you in her corner. Here's what that looks like in practice.

What to Say

The words that help most are simple, specific, and free of agenda:

"I'm proud of you." Say it early. Say it often. She probably won't hear it from anyone else.
"What can I do to make this easier?" Open-ended, no assumptions. Let her tell you what she needs.
"I've noticed [specific positive change]." "You seem more rested." "You were so patient with the kids today." "You seem lighter." Specific observations land harder than generic praise.
"You don't have to explain this to anyone." She might feel pressure to justify her decision. Remind her she doesn't owe anyone an explanation — including your friends, her family, or the neighbors.
"I'm here whether this is going well or not." The messy days matter more than the milestone ones. Let her know you're not going anywhere if she has a hard night or a setback.

What NOT to Say

These are almost always well-intentioned. They also almost always backfire:

"You don't drink that much." Minimizing her concern — even to reassure her — tells her that her instincts are wrong. If she thinks she needs to change, trust that.
"Can't you just have one?" Maybe eventually. Maybe never. Either way, this question makes her feel like her decision is an inconvenience.
"You're not an alcoholic." She's probably not using that word for herself, and neither should you. This isn't about labels. It's about her wanting to feel better.
"Is this because of me?" This moves the focus from her to you. If you have genuine concerns about the relationship, that's a separate conversation for a separate time.
"My buddy's wife did this and lasted like two weeks." No one has ever been motivated by a story about someone else's failure.
"So you're never going to drink again?" She might not know yet. The pressure to declare a permanent stance is paralyzing. Let her take it one day at a time.

What to Do

Actions matter more than words. Here are concrete things that make a real difference:

Stock the fridge with good alternatives. Non-alcoholic drinks have gotten genuinely excellent. Pick up some Athletic Brewing, a few Ghia bottles, or good sparkling water with nice glasses. Make it easy, not effortful.
Rethink your social default. If every couples hangout revolves around a wine bar, suggest something different. Dinner at a restaurant with a good NA cocktail menu. A hike. A movie. It doesn't have to be forever — just show her you're willing to shake things up.
Don't make a big deal about it in front of others. If you're at a party and she's ordering a sparkling water, don't announce "she's not drinking!" to the table. Follow her lead on what she shares and with whom.
Take on more of the evening routine. The 6 PM witching hour is when cravings hit hardest. If you can handle bedtime, dishes, or dinner one extra night a week, that's not nothing. That's removing the hardest trigger point from her day.
Don't police her. If she has a drink at a dinner party, don't give her The Look. If she buys wine at the store, don't comment. She's an adult making her own choices. Your job is support, not surveillance.
Ask how it's going — regularly. Not as a check-up. Just as a "hey, how are you feeling about things?" once a week or so. Let her know the door is always open to talk about it.

When to Be Concerned

Most moms who rethink their drinking are in a gray area — not in crisis, but not thriving. That said, there are signs that suggest she might benefit from professional support:

She's tried to cut back multiple times and can't, despite genuinely wanting to.
Her drinking is escalating — more quantity, earlier in the day, drinking alone regularly.
She's experiencing physical symptoms when she doesn't drink: shakiness, sweating, severe anxiety, insomnia.
Her mood, relationships, or daily functioning are noticeably declining.
She's hiding how much she drinks — empty bottles in the recycling she didn't mention, or a glaze in her eyes she denies.

If you're seeing these signs, approach with compassion, not confrontation. "I love you. I'm worried. Can we talk?" is almost always better than an ultimatum. And if she's not ready to talk, you can still seek guidance yourself — from a therapist, from a support resource, or from SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7).

Understand What She's Going Through

It helps to know what's actually happening in her body and brain. A few things that might reframe how you see this:

Alcohol disrupts sleep architecture. Even moderate drinking fragments the deep sleep that restores energy and regulates mood. If she's been drinking nightly and stops, her sleep might get worse before it gets better — usually within the first week.
Cravings are neurochemical, not moral. When she says "I really want a drink right now," that's her brain's dopamine and GABA systems adjusting to a new normal. It's not weakness. It's literally chemistry.
The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. After that, most people report that cravings decrease significantly and the benefits start compounding. Your support matters most in those early weeks.
If she's over 35, alcohol hits differently. Hormonal changes mean her body processes alcohol more slowly, her sleep is more disrupted, and anxiety effects are amplified. She's not imagining that it's gotten worse.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Supporting someone through a significant change is emotionally taxing. It's okay to:

Feel frustrated, confused, or uncertain about what's happening.
Miss the way things were — even if the way things were wasn't great.
Need someone to talk to about your own experience of this transition.
Set your own boundaries about what you can and can't provide.

You can't pour from an empty cup either. If you need support, Al-Anon, SMART Recovery Family & Friends, or a therapist who understands family dynamics around alcohol can all help. This isn't just her journey. It affects both of you.

The fact that you're reading this page says a lot about you. Most partners don't Google "how to support someone who's cutting back on drinking." You're already ahead of the curve.

The simplest version of all of this is: be curious, not critical. Be patient, not perfect. Show up.

She'll remember that you did.

— Amy